It's been almost a whole year since I've shot anything for my own pleasure aside from cosplay. Of which, I started to lose interest in shooting as of late. Creativity is draining.
A lot happened in 2014 in my personal life-- both good and bad. I was so busy focusing on bettering myself and my situation that I lost focus of my artistic and expressive goals.
I wandered throughout the entire year like an emotional nomad, fleet of foot, running away from any emotions (Sia's "Chandelier" was actually my summertime jam when I spent nearly every day drinking). At a certain point, I even lost the ability to cry--which is a bit ironic, considering I grew up for many years with severe depression and an eating disorder that ruled my entire life.
After a while I stopped being able to feel things. I went out and had fun, and more fun, drowned myself in drinks until I would hit the floor. Oh god, I'm starting to sound like an alcoholic. But sadly, it happened.
Upon spending time with more of my artist friends in the wintertime, their influence sparked something inside me. One night after I had a bit of a pep talk with one of my friends, I immediately went home completely inspired, searched around online and found lovely little Katia willing to shoot some concepts I've had in mind for some time.
As I finished these photos of Katia, something lit up inside me again--this drive and passion to create more imagery, better imagery. Suddenly it felt as if this feeling was something I'd wanted more than anything else--the satisfaction of creating images more than drinks at the bar, partying with friends, forgetting what happened last night.
I realized that a huge part of the reason why I fell off of shooting personal work was the lack of income. Money has always been an issue for me in my personal life, and upon more hardships that hit me the past year, I came to the conclusion that I had to put photography on hold, since there was no longer a budget for me. My dreams became lost ones. I even pursued a warehouse job as an auditor. And that was another reality check in itself... I didn't have a panic attack for some months, but upon the first day I felt one coming on. During break I actually contemplated dashing out and never coming back. This type of work wasn't for me--horribly boring and meaningless hourly labor and being surrounded by people with lost dreams and zero ambition, simply working for a paycheck and no fulfillment behind it. I quit that day and never went back.
Regardless, I realized that my financial situation was simply an excuse for me to hide behind my laziness, and that I had lost inspiration and belief in myself to succeed as an artist. My drive was gone. Whatever pocket change I did have went to going out, having fun, and "being young." But I found that I was also getting more and more depressed. I have never been one to express exactly how I feel inside, as I am the type to clam up and crack jokes about my misfortunes in order to cope. Nobody really ever understands what's going on in my head, since I am too prideful and afraid to look vulnerable to express it genuinely. As a result of overindulgence, I lost my outlet that grounded me.
But now, even with financial matters getting worse, I think this time around, I am emotionally healed and well enough to tackle both my financial insecurities as well as emotional insecurities. I am much stronger, more fierce, and understand that the only way I could ever fail was if I don't believe in myself. And now I do. I've gone through so much and came out realizing that there is just so much more to my life and I am worthy of exactly everything I thought I wasn't worthy of before. Failure is no longer an option to me... because this is my love. My passion. My dreams and goals, this is it.
This is my home. This is where I belong. I am an artist, a dreamer, a visionary, and an imagemaker.