The game is afoot! #vanscustomculture #vanscustomculture2015...

The game is afoot! #vanscustomculture #vanscustomculture2015 #projectact #aestheticrevolutionaries

"Smother": Self-Portrait

Self-portrait, 2015.

I don't even really know how to describe how I feel lately. Even though I overcame my bout of depression earlier last year, I still sometimes question if I've learned to control my overwhelming negative emotions or instead just stifle them and deny their existence.

It used to be such a big deal to me to speak my mind and voice out my struggles whenever I felt like I was in emotional distress or if something bothered me, but I realized that putting out so much negative energy started to create this unlikeable image of me that nobody wanted to be around.

It's quite harsh, but the tough reality of things is that if you continuously act like this unhappy and negative person, nobody will want to be around you. And I learned that the hard way... I am still in the process of revamping my image and putting out positive energy to attract the same type toward me.

I think the sad thing about our culture is that we are in this new era where it's unacceptable to portray any passionate emotions-- you can be sad, but if you're too sad you're written off as a depressed and hopeless person. If you really love someone and show your affection, you're perceived as a desperate psychopath. If you're outwardly happy and upbeat, people think you're needy for attention. If you're angry, your loved ones might try to refer you to a therapist.

And now, we've succumbed to accepting that if we show too much emotion, we are vulnerable, so we keep everything inside out of fear of being judged. It's incredibly sad.

Chivalry is also nearly dead because of this. I was never fond of the word "dating," because I never knew what that meant to people. I think it's ludicrous that people can accept having one-night-stands with no strings attached and then move onto the next because they don't want to allow themselves to show any emotion or affection... because they don't want to get "attached." People "date" because they don't want to commit and still have the option to jump ship if things go sour. Others might like to have their cake and eat it too.

... what? What does this even mean? Isn't that the point of a relationship, to grow fond of them, to grow side-by-side as individuals and together as a couple? I don't understand. Maybe this is why I will be single for a long time-- I don't agree with this. I've always been traditional when it came to the opposite sex.

In terms of platonic friendships, true friends no longer think it's "in their place" to tell their friends the cold hard truth of when they're in denial or blind towards an issue. That problem now becomes their own, because said friends don't want to get involved.

It's almost as if with the Internet and social media evolving to this 2nd life where we are able to create alter-egos, we share pictures and texts of how much we love each other... but in reality, we are completely alone. Emotionally smothered, forced to live out lies because nobody wants to stick out like a sore thumb.

As I stated in the last blog, I have always been such an emotionally turbulent person but never knew how to appropriately express those emotions. If I'm happy, I will jump up and down and squeal in excitement. If I'm sad, I will probably sulk without knowing I am. And it's unfortunate that this is how life used to be back then, before the Internet and media joined forces and created this new society of emotional numbness.

Being emotionally unavailable is the new standard. Pushing people away has become the new code of conduct. Nobody has close friends. Affairs and infidelity are an everyday thing.

What happened to our hearts? Did we all just learn to lock them in a box and throw away the key out of fear of being judged and getting hurt?

Pain is inevitable, I understand this completely. I have went through a lot of struggles throughout life, and I'm sure most everybody else has as well. But to completely deny yourself the ability to feel bad things is also robbing yourself of the ability to feel wonderful things. Opening up emotionally is scary as hell, but it's not so bad when you experience the most beautiful emotions like passion, love (whether platonic or romantic), drive, success, and acceptance.

But a life void of all emotions... is that really a life worth living?